Keep Laughing:

"I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something."

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall . Ave played tennis with a wall, men those things are relentless. 

Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, 'Those Chinese people, they can fly! You know about the Puerto Ricans... they're made of candy!'

"A man walks into a chemist's and says, 'Can I have a bar of soap, please?' The chemist says, 'Do you want it scented?' And the man says, 'No, I'll take it with me now.'"

What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked."

 You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'"

  According to most studies, people's No.1 fear is public speaking. No.2 is death. Death is No.2. Does that sound right? This means, to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy."

"Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

"The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women, because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy.